George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?