Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
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Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.