The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF