FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I feel attacked.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
lol
*Seductively hides in the woods
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.