My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
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a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
bad news gang
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Holy shit he’s back
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread