I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Shower sex be like:
Finally, a door that understands me
Storm Tropical Storm
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.