Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes