You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
A roof is a house hat.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My neck my back my allergy attack
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT