I would move hell over six inches for you
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I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
peak technology
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.