Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
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Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.