i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.