ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.