One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
nobody’s gonna understand
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry