Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
These are too funny not to post 😂
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane