Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.