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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*