When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.