all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
🖤✌🏽
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?