me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
This is amazing.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Bond. Trauma bond.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
just left a huge legacy in there
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.