Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Maths meets science
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.