Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
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My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.