Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Lmaoo 😂
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here