Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?