I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
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I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
This bar smells like my childhood.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
plums roundup
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name