I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*