[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Seems kinda suspicious
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
m’lady
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training