sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.