IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
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How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
thank god the sign was there
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.