If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Some people were born into their job.