CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.