Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
You Might Also Like
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Dishonest mechanic?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now