Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
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Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.