Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday