Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
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It’s an epidemic…
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN