hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off