I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You Might Also Like
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My dog after a walk in the woods.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team