Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair