*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
You Might Also Like
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Genius idea!!
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy