Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
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When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”