I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Brands during Pride
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.