Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
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my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Saturday
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore