A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
#dnd #ttrpg
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Hot Panini is in big trouble
*performs CPR on the turkey*
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”