There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
You Might Also Like
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.