Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder