I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
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*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
That took me a moment.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?