keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I only eat vegetarians.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.