The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why