Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.