God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done