We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.